Tag Archives: love

For the joy set before me

I’ve talked about it here before, but the verse that I use to get me through pregnancy is “For the joy set before him Jesus endured the cross”. That joy must have been an exquisite joy to have endured such torture. Pregnancy, in no way, shape or form even comes close to comparing to the torture of the cross, or the flogging before it. However, for me, it is a cross… a heavy one. Oh, but there is joy… sweet, exquisite joy.

Yesterday, when Brad came home, he found me in the front yard dry heaving. When I was done with that, I started sobbing uncontrollably. It had been a long day, I’d been close to tears numerous times, and 5:15 yesterday was my breaking point and I just lost it. Eventually, I composed my wits about me, but I never made it back up to normal until bedtime. I was so tired. So emotionally exhausted. I laid there in bed and found myself saying, out loud, “Focus Rebecca. Focus.” and then Brad and I started going through a list of traits we want this baby to have, “This baby is loving, they are joyful, they have an amazing laugh, they love Jesus, they love people, they’re a peacemaker, they like to sleep in on Saturday mornings {wink, wink}” and so on… {Yes, I know that’s plural, but I hate saying “he/she” or “it”}

Then I whispered to Brad that for the first time I really wished that I had a gender to put with this baby. With Zoe, Brad knew from the day I told him we were pregnant that she was a girl. It took about a month before I started to really feel that too. The day the ultrasound tech told us that we were having a girl, we both just smiled… we knew. It was no big surprise. But, this time? I have no clue. Brad goes back and forth every other day. I’m almost leaning towards “boy”, but then I get this twitch and I’m sure that I’m going to have my Adeline. Back to last night, I so desperately wished that I had a gender for this baby so that I could call them, my joy, by name. So that I could focus even stronger on the joy set before me. I wanted a baby blanket to hold close to my heart as I drift off to sleep, a physical reminder of the joy set before me.

As I told Brad all of this he nodded his head in complete understanding. I said it was crazy, because I have a baby in the other room, and a house full of “baby” things. But, it’s just not the same. Zoe got me through her pregnancy… but this one’s not hers. This cross is a new pregnancy, just like this joy is a new baby. A baby that my heart is already connected to, and will always be connected to until the day I die. I love, sight unseen, my #2.

This pregnancy is so different than Zoe’s, in so many ways. It’s equally hard, they both suck. But, with Zoe, everything baby was new and exciting. I read “Your baby’s progress” every week. I read pregnancy books. I read parenting books. I browsed baby aisles like it was my day job. This time? None of that. This time it’s just checking weeks off a calendar, one step closer to holding this precious bundle of joy in my arms. This time, my days are spent focusing on Zoe and cherishing this last bit of time that’s ours and ours alone. I’m soaking in her little toddler-ness, savoring the hilarity of this season with her. I’m watching her lose every ounce of “baby” that was still left in her face, and watching my little baby become my little girl. You could write a birth order book just from this paragraph, but honestly? I’m not apologizing for it. I trust that my little one is safe and secure in my womb, that they are growing according to plan, that they were knit together by the hand of God and that, come September, they will be in my arms.

As I wrote that last sentence, my heart was gripped with sorrow. I woke up this morning to the news that one of my “mom friends” had a miscarriage yesterday. That’s the second miscarriage among friends during this pregnancy. My heart literally breaks for my friends. I find tears streaming down my face randomly just thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I’m so serious today. Because, as rough as pregnancy is for me, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. That joy is too exquisite. Pregnancy, is a cross. But never, for one second, do I confuse that with my child being a cross. Never, for one second, do I wish that I wasn’t pregnant with my child. Maybe, later in life, seasons that my children go through will be crosses that I have to bear… but still? For the joy, that is my child… we will always endure.

Happy Thursday Ya’ll!

Christmas Recap: The Play by Play

This was our very *first* family Christmas morning. I say *first* because obviously we’ve been a family for a couple years now… but Christmas morning is always spent waking up slow, and then heading to one of our parent’s houses, then the other parent’s house, then in the past out to a movie, then home… 13 hours later, and exhausted. Happy, fulfilled, but exhausted. We knew going in to this Christmas that it wasn’t going to be like that, because my side of the family was mostly out of town.

{Christmas Eve at Brad’s side of the family’s party. I call this “The Evolution of a Family Picture}
Family Portrait 2

A few weeks ago I started thinking about traditions. We’re right at that prime moment as a family to start traditions. We have a few years to try some stuff out and see what we like and what we don’t, tweak and fluff traditions that we come up with, and really solidify what we want to do. So, somewhere along the way, I decided that I wanted to make homemade cinnamon rolls as a Christmas breakfast {or lunch} tradition. I figured that it couldn’t be too hard, and now that I know how to knead dough {and dissolve yeast} I should be able to do it. I bought self rising flour and a can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, you know, just in case. The night before I read several recipes, comparing them, figuring out the important steps, how they all described the important steps, learned what “scalded milk” was {Thank you Pioneer Woman!}, and generally psyched myself up.

My eyes popped open at 8, and I made my way downstairs to start the dough, which then had to rise for an hour, then I would add stuff and make the rolls, then it had to rise for another 30 minutes, then bake for 30 minutes. Timing was everything. I got about 35 minutes into making the dough, meaning it was sitting in the bowl waiting to rise, when I realized that I’d forgotten two very important ingredients: the egg and salt. I definitely dropped a few choice words, thought about quitting, decided I didn’t care what time the rolls were done, and went upstairs to crawl back in bed with Brad.

{Zoe’s Christmas outfits}
christmas outfits

Zoe woke up as I reached the top of the stairs, so we just hung out in bed for a while. It was perfect. I sat there looking at my perfect little family, and I felt like the most blessed woman in all the world. When we headed back downstairs, I was ready for Round 2 with the rolls. Let me tell you, that egg made a huge difference in the texture of the dough. Huge. Truth be told, because I knew what I was doing, that round took a fraction of the time that the first round did. The dough was set to rise, and we gathered around our tree.

Now, between my family’s early Christmas and numerous packages she’s received in the mail, Zoe has been opening Christmas presents for an entire week. She knows exactly what to do, and she gets really excited about her presents. Every time. It’s amazing. So, due to the amount of gifts that she was receiving outside of our family, Brad and I only bought a few items: a toy laptop, an over-sized elephant, a fountain for the tub, and a foam finger. {Two days before Christmas, Brad took Zoe to the store for some more fish. That was his special present for her.} Brad and I had a few presents for each other, and then we just played with Zoe on the floor. Again, looking around the room, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. I’d be lying if I said that my eyes didn’t get watery a time or two.

{The only family “portrait” we took that day. It’s perfect, if you ask me}
Family portrait 1

By the time we finished playing and eating a make-shift breakfast of eggs and toast because the rolls were nowhere near done, Zoe started acting like she needed a nap. So, she got one. That gave me time to slather on the cinnamon and sugar and roll up my rolls, and then we had to wait some more. Zoe slept just as long as the rolls needed to rise and then bake, and let me tell you, those few minutes right before the rolls were done, and the smell was wafting through the house… I knew this tradition was a keeper.

{The evolution of the cinnamon rolls. I’m telling you, it’s not for the faint of heart. It’s time consuming, messy, and sometimes tricky. But, worth every second.}
cinnamon rolls 3

After 3 1/2 hours of prep and 30 minutes of baking, I pulled out the most delicious looking cinnamon rolls ever! There was definitely fist pumps in the air, and dancing, and hootin’ and hollerin’. Brad laughed at me. I couldn’t contain my excitement. These rolls were perfect. And, then I realized that I didn’t have any powdered sugar for the frosting. Womp Womp. I improvised, threw in some regular sugar, added a little cream cheese to the mixture, and made an OK icing. It wasn’t bad, but it could’ve been a heck of a lot better. And then, the moment I waited for all morning… one delicious bite went into my mouth…. and it was worth every OUNCE of waiting. Zoe tasted a bite, walked to the dishwasher, opened it, grabbed not one, but two, forks out of it, walked back to the cinnamon rolls and held them both in the air. I about died laughing.

{Freaking Perfection. Next time my goal is a Cinnabun type icing….}
cinnamon rolls 2

At that point, it was noon, and we needed to head over to Brad’s parent’s house. So, we moseyed our way over there. Brad’s brother and sister-in-law were with her parents, so it was just me, Brad, Zoe, Janet and Glen. Quieter than usual, but perfect nonetheless. They were feeling the same thing for Christmas that we were… no need to rush, slow, relaxing, no schedule, nowhere to be…. perfect. I don’t remember feeling so relaxed on Christmas. It was amazing. Janet, as usual, had a ton of present for us to open, and again, Zoe stole the show. We laughed and talked and opened present slowly. I enjoyed every second of it.

Christmas Presents

We spent the afternoon lounging around, I was able to read more of the Steve Jobs book, Zoe hung out with her Gammy and Glen and Brad watched basketball. Around 4 we sat down to eat, and about halfway through dinner I looked over at Zoe and realized that she was about 2 minutes away from falling asleep in her highchair. Sure enough, her blinks started getting longer and longer, and then she just passed out. Talk about adorable! We just left her there and enjoyed our supper. It was great!

{Can you see that she has a fork in her right hand?}
Christmas nap

Towards 6pm we headed back over to our house to meet my sister {who was supposed to go to Texas but got sick and stayed home} and Kristin was coming over too. The four of us hung out for a few hours, and then after they headed home Brad and I cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie.

I’ve written over 1,000 words in this post, but I don’t think I could even put into words how perfect Christmas day was. We are so blessed with family and friends. I’m so thankful for my little family. Truly, the best things in life are free.

{The many Christmas faces of Zoe}
Christmas for Zoe

How was your Christmas?

Happy Tuesday Ya’ll!

PS. If you want the recipe that I used for the cinnamon rolls click here. It’s Paula Deen’s recipe, but I warn you. She lies about the amount of time it takes. =)