Monthly Archives: March 2012

My Sweet Zoebear,

This past weekend you and I were going to a baby shower. Your daddy got you dressed and I put pigtails in your hair, I blinked and there was a little girl standing in front of me. I was speechless. When did you get this big? Maybe it was that your hair didn’t curl up right away and I could see how very long it’s become. Or maybe it’s because you were wearing an outfit that a teenager might wear, I don’t know. But it took my breath away.

Last week we saw a tremendous upswing in development, mainly, verbally. Sweetie, it was true about crawling and walking and it’s been true about talking… you are quite comfortable doing what you’re doing until all of a sudden, that’s not good enough anymore. You don’t go by anybody else’ timeline, and I love that about you. I love how laid-back you are, and I’m going to take every ounce of credit for that… well, me and God. But, last week, you hit that point where all of a sudden you cared. All day long, you try to repeat back to me what I’m saying. I’ve heard no less than 30 new words attempted this week, and honestly, probably more. I say “attempt”, some words you’re spot on {for 20 months} and others are definitely more um… interpretive. Honey, up until this week you only SAID about 30 words… if that. I feel like life is about to get even funnier, and I’m guessing that Mommy is going to have to watch what she’s saying.

Another big development, you join us at the table now. Our little family of 3, sitting around a table. It melts my heart. You are such a BIG girl! I’m so proud of you, honey. Every big and every little step you take, I just melt with pride. Dinner is a blast with you at the table, and you love it immensely. Your high chair is still around, because, let’s be honest… at times you still need to be contained. Speaking of high chairs, you climb up and seat yourself now. Do you know how much that scares the bejeezus out of your parents? Probably not, because we hide our fear from you. I try to make sure that the tray is on the high chair at all times, so that I know I’m present when you’re doing your climbing. But, like always, I’m not perfect about that… and I’ve definitely walked into the room and there you are… sitting in your high chair, happy as a clam. You think it’s the best thing in the world.

You are still the happiest little girl that I’ve ever met. 99% of the time you’re in a great mood, and you laugh just for the sheer pleasure of laughing. You are more aware, everyday, of how cute you are… and you milk that for all its worth. I love that about you. I just adore you, Zoebear. You find fun in almost every situation. The other day, after dinner was over, you climbed up onto the table {a big no-no} and you looked at me to see if I was going to stop you. I told you that, for this once, it was OK and you about lost your mind with excitement. You found a spray bottle on the table and you asked to be sprayed, then Mommy, then Daddy, eventually you added all the animals to the mix too. Daddy was your favorite because he gave you such a big reaction to being sprayed in the face. By the time I said “all done” Daddy was soaking wet. It was such a sweet simple game, and you were on top of the world with happiness.

I sat there, at the table, watching you play and soaked in the simplicity of the moment. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. Every day I am more aware that our family of three is expanding, and while I’m beyond thrilled about the expansion… a part of my heart is sad too. I’m going to miss this season. I’m going to miss the simplicity of three. Even in the crazy chaotic world of toddler-hood, we manage to find quiet. I wonder if we’ll still have that? I think that you know, to some degree, that change is on the horizon. For 18 months you were the most well-adjusted kid in the world, and you still are, but two months ago you decided that if mommy was available, then mommy should be the one holding you. I can’t hold you all the time, and that’s been quite a struggle for both of us. I’ve seen you cry when Daddy leaves, and your bottom lip quiver when I leave you in daycare. Quite often, throughout the day, you crawl up into my lap just to sit with me. I make sure to tell you numerous times a day how much I love you and how wonderful I think you are. Once you understand a little bit more, we’ll start talking about baby brother/sister with you more.

Every day I am faced with the reality that “2″ isn’t far away. Unlike other moms I know, I’m not nervous about the “terrible 2′s” at all. I’m nervous about the transition with a new baby, but not about how you’ll handle more independence. You’ve always been independent, and I’ve always encouraged it. We’ll have to be creative, we’ll have to do some brain-storming and ask lots of questions… but it’s going to be fine. You seem to be more interested in potty training lately, and you LOVE your new potty training doll. Actually, I think that you love that doll more than any other toy that you’ve ever received except your rocking chair and your rocking horse. The first night you got it, you played with it for 40 minutes straight… do you know how long that is in toddler minutes? Then when we made you stop playing and go to bed, you asked to please take your baby doll with you. It was adorable. Every day, you take that doll everywhere. At breakfast and lunch, we have to give the doll a bite first and then you’ll take a bite. You offer it your favorite treats, your drinks, your books, your own potty, and rides on Hemmingway. You ask that your doll be present anytime you’re doing anything fun… like jumping off the coffee table or riding on my legs. You ask your daddy to please rock the baby doll and give it a sippy cup. I’ve never seen you attach to anything like this, and it’s really amazing to watch.

{This one’s blurry, but I love it}

Zoe, I love everything about you. There is nothing you could do, now or ever, that would make me love you any more or less. You are everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a pint size body. You live up to your name, everyday, and I love that. I love you to the moon and back…

Always,
Mom

I have a confession to make: 90% of my heart is overwhelmed with excitement, love, happiness, and joy that this baby in my belly is going to be in my arms this September. 10% of my heart is sad that this season with Zoe is coming to an end. I write that and I think of the women I know who have lost their babies before they ever got to hold them in their arms and I want to take my words back. But I can’t, that’s how I feel.

I’m going to miss this season, with all its ups and downs. It’s been such a precious season, and there’s still 5 months left of it… so, it’s not going anywhere for a while. But, I know that September will be here before I can even blink. And I know that with September comes change. Huge change. Monumental change. A change that will shift our little family of three to a family of four. A change that means that I have to open more car doors to get in and out of anywhere that I want to go. A change that means I have to split my attention between two children all day long, a husband at night, animals throughout the day, and blogging – a hobby that I love. I’m exhausted just thinking about that. More importantly though, it’s this constant awareness that it will never be just me and Zoe again. Just the two of us romping around town. Just the two of us hopping in the car and heading to the zoo, just because. It won’t be just the two of us hopping in the car to meet Brad for a spontaneous lunch date. It won’t be just the two of us cuddling on the couch watching movies in the afternoon.

This feels like a big life change, bigger than having the first kid. Honestly, Brad and I didn’t ever even really talk about family planning before we had Zoe. She wasn’t a surprise, but she wasn’t planned either. She was just perfect timing. We’d only been married for, oh, about 4 months before we got pregnant and 9 months later I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was married, much less having a baby. I took 2 weeks of early maternity leave to have some time to myself to process all the major life changes that had taken place within the year, and wouldn’t you know it… I had Zoe within 24 hours of my last day at work. So much for time to process. But, I remember being in the delivery room after the nurse kicked everybody out and it was just me and Brad. I was 9cm dilated. Brad and I sat in that hospital room, holding hands, talking and laughing… very aware that these were the last moments we would ever have as “just us”. That is an hour I will cherish all of my life. That season, as short as it was, of us just being Brad and Rebecca was such a special season. Marriage far surpassed any expectation that I had of it, and life with Brad was {and is} very much like living a real life fairy tale.

Before Brad, I was single for 90% of my 20′s… if not like 99%. I loved being single. I probably fell in love with being single around the age of 23. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, I always wanted to be married someday and I owned my fair share of bridal magazines dreaming of the big day. I guess I just figured that God knew what he was doing and had a plan. I figured that if it was better for his kingdom that I was single, then I would be single. And when it was better for his kingdom that I get married, well, he’d bring the right guy along. And so, I lived. I mean, I really lived. I didn’t sit around waiting. I made some great friends, I went off and lived in Michigan working with inner city kids and falling in love with Jesus, I hiked in mountains, I went to Africa, I {eventually} got a college degree, I made more friends, I went on spontaneous road trips, I worked with homeless people, I loved on kids, I was involved in ministry, I had crushes on boys and dreams for the future, I had my heart broken, I went to Canada… the list goes on. When Brad came into my life I didn’t hesitate for a moment deciding to marry him… again, I honestly don’t think I ever even thought about it. Marrying him was as natural as breathing, and there was nothing else I could do. I didn’t mourn the loss of my single life right away… I did, eventually, have to process the fact that I was no longer living the life of a vagabond. I did, occasionally, miss that life.

I’m settled now, into marriage and motherhood. Those identities feel like a great pair of old jeans to me now. Becoming a wife has always felt like I found the perfect pair of jeans that fit right from the start. Motherhood felt like I had a moment of crazy in the jean aisle and bought a pair of jeans that had been starched for a month straight before they ever touched my body. I’m exaggerating, but only a little. My point is, and I do have one, both seasons have brought infinitely more into my life than the season before them.

So, I will hold on to this season with Zoe until the very last second. And I will cherish every moment, every memory… because, like all the other seasons… this one has an end, and it’s coming. And I will allow myself to mourn the end of this season, because that’s OK. But, I will also welcome this next season with open arms because I know that this next season holds a promise of “more”. More love. More laughter. More chaos. More friendship. Zoe will have a sibling, and that is a gift I cannot wait to give her. More fights. More “I’m sorry”‘s. More… Our lives will be fuller, our hearts will be richer… and this baby will turn our family of 3 into a family of 4 at just the right time… just like all the other seasons in life.