Monthly Archives: April 2011

Girl: “Honey, what do you think? Do you like A or B?”
Boy: “Uh……….”
{pause…girl turns around to look at boy}
Boy: “Um….uh, B?”
Girl: “Really? You don’t think A looks better than B next to C?”
Boy: “Um….sure?”
Girl: “Well, which is it?”
Boy: “I, um…I don’t know. Which one do you like?”
Girl: “I think I like A, but I don’t know.”
Boy: “Go with A, it looks good.”
Girl: “You don’t care at all, do you?”
Boy: “Not one bit.”

Does that conversation sound familiar at all? Ten bucks says you can figure out who this couple is. A conversation extremely similar to this happened in our house when I was doing the chalkboard. I’m not joking when I say that it was Tuesday before Brad realized that I was creating a chalkboard. A little later in the day we were driving to Brad’s dental appointment and I got pretty quiet in the car. I always get quiet when I’m thinking through something…it’s a new trait I’ve developed since being married, I used to never think before I talked…ever. Brad always knows something is up when I get quiet. So as we were driving he asked what was wrong, I replied that I didn’t know. After thinking a little more I realized that I needed Brad to be a part of the process. By the end of the car ride I was able to articulate my needs.

Let me stop right there. I understand that Brad will never ever ever ever care about decorating. I know that and I don’t expect him to ever care. It’s just not something that he cares about. But I care about it. I don’t necessarily need Brad to care at all, I just need him to be present, and to not act like an impatient teenager when he’s with me. Don’t worry…we’ve already had this conversation and I’m not telling you anything we haven’t already worked out. Here’s how I see it, prior to meeting Brad I went to Superbowl parties for the food and commercials; now I know the players, the teams, I’m cheering for a specific team. I don’t ask questions about the plays because I know them, maybe not inside and out, but still…I know them. I can say the same about college basketball and major league baseball. Will I ever truly care about sports? No. Will I ever lose sleep over who to play for my fantasy football team like my husband does? Um, absolutely not. But can I hold my own in a conversation about football? For about 10 minutes, yes. You start talking stats and I’m out.

Why? Why do I care that Brad participates in my little projects around the house? Why do I sit beside him on the couch as we go from one sports season to the other? Because my love language is quality time. As in, I’m off the charts “quality time”. It’s how I show my love for people. It’s how I feel love. It’s what I live for. Just a little example of what I’m talking about, I don’t do any chores when Zoe sleeps. I wait until she wakes up so that we can talk as I clean. I will do literally almost anything as long as there’s a person there with me…and if there’s not…well, I’ll probably read or something.

I didn’t come up with the phrase “quality time”, I stole that from a book I read years ago, it’s called The Five Love Languages. The thesis is that we all speak our own love language, but there are five common ones: Quality Time, Words of Encouragement, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch. The point is that we tend to speak our love language to people and expect them to understand. Brad is acts of service, so he is constantly DOING something for somebody…most of the time me, but I am not…so if Brad is cleaning the house to show me love…I ain’t hearing it. Which, you can imagine, could be incredibly frustrating. Or, say somebody is gifts and their spouse is physical touch. Valentines Day comes around and “Gifts” thinks for months about the perfect gift for their mate, they eagerly give the present they just “know” is going to be a home run…meanwhile, “Physical touch” picked up a card on the way home, and is just waiting for the “home run”, if you know what I mean. How do you think that worked out? I’m gonna guess “Gifts” is crushed and “Physical touch” didn’t get that home run. It can be frustrating and mind-boggling because you feel like you’re doing everything you know to do to show your mate that you love them, and they say, “I feel like you don’t ever do anything for me”.

The point is…if you’re speaking a love language that your spouse isn’t hearing…start speaking theirs! It’s like learning a foreign language…for real. It doesn’t come natural, but it is vital to your relationship. The point of loving somebody is that they feel your love. If you’ve never heard about the book The Five Love Languages, I suggest you go to the library and get a copy. Read it. Apply it to your life. See if it makes a difference. But first, go to the link, take the test, and then tell me what your love language is….