Ah… the much anticipated ‘Love and Marriage and Baby #2′ post in which I get candid about life in the ‘H’ house right now. I’ve written this post about 4 times now, fully – from start to finish – and I hit ‘trash’ after it sits in my inbox for weeks {or months} on end. Because, the thing is… I can’t tell what parts of our story are a) ours, and not to be fully laid bare and b) the parts that are just there because of our personalities and the parts that are common to marriage with 2 small kids.

But, let’s just jump in and see where the pieces land. Shall we?

Recently, Brad was out of work for two weeks recovering from eye surgery, and when we first learned that he was going to be home that long, truth be told… we were both nervous. ‘Will we fight constantly’ was the big question on both of our minds – because for about 8 months, weekends have been pretty rough. Instead, what we experienced was a delightful two weeks that felt like a vacation {with a healthy dose of ‘post-op’ fully present at all times}. It was lovely, really. And when I got to thinking about it, I realized that two big elements that cause the most tension were removed: poor communication and unmet expectations.

Today, we’re talking about the big ‘C’ word.

It’s no secret that Brad and I are complete opposites. As opposite as opposite can get. Where I’m a ‘go-with-the-flow’ kinda gal, he is not. Where he can get uber frustrated, take a few deep breaths, walk away from the situation and upon his quick return be back to normal… I can not. I tend to book my calendar weeks in advance where Brad is fully content not leaving the house for several days on end. When it comes to kids, I’m more lenient and ‘if it won’t require a trip to the ER’ I’ll probably allow it… Brad has a hard time catching his breath when Zoe jumps off the couch.

You get the idea…

But, in general, I think that people think other people think like them. Can I say ‘think’ one more time? I think so. It’s called ‘assuming’ – and everybody does it. From minor things – like assuming that everybody knows toilet paper should go with the toilet paper unrolling towards the person rather than the wall. To bigger things – like assuming that your husband would figure out that if you wake up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning to edit pictures, it must be because you have to deliver them that day.

I assure you – people face their toilet paper to the wall, and there was a Saturday morning ruined in our house because of lack of communication.

If you and I were sitting down to coffee {Diet Coke} and we started talking about marriage {which I’m apt to do these days} I would tell you that right now my marriage is in a valley… and that valleys are ok, and they’re normal. I would tell you that we’re having a really hard time communicating. That we assume the other person is reading between the lines of what we’re not saying…when, in fact, they are almost always NOT reading between the lines… and so what’s left unsaid – even if it’s as simple as a request that doesn’t include ‘I don’t care when you do it’ – can be the breeding ground for resentment, sarcastic jabs and hurt feelings.

I would tell you that we’re tired… but that there’s more on our plate than ever before. That two kids is more than double the work – and while that felt natural to me, it wasn’t so natural for Brad {the exact opposite of our response to becoming parents}. I would say that what I intuitively know because I spend 40 hours a week with the kids by myself, Brad – who only gets to spend a few hours a day with kids, and it’s not the easiest 2 hours of the day to spend with them, doesn’t know…. and that causes tension. And, it’s a tension I don’t have much grace for… because for whatever reason I feel like a) he should know this and b) what the heck is he stressed about??? I’m the one who’s been home with the kids all day long.

Fair? No.

Life? Yes.

If I have to narrow it down, I would say that for us the vast majority of miscommunication involves how our days are planned vs how they actually end up being and not being involved in each others day. Does that make sense? Brad is a planner’s planner. He goes to bed making plans. On our honeymoon {in September} he asked me what my siblings might want for Christmas… but I’m the one who controls the schedule in our house. I’m the one who knows what’s happening on the weekends and while I tell Brad ahead of time and write everything on a calendar that’s hanging on a wall…somehow, he never quite knows what’s happening that day. And, to confuse him even more, if there are readjustments that need to be made {and there almost always are because hello we’re parents to 2 small children and things almost NEVER go according to plan} – I do them in my head – and almost always just assume that he knows the day had to get adjusted. Almost always – he doesn’t. And almost always – that doesn’t go over smoothly.

As far as not being involved in each others day… that’s really on my end. This stay-at-home-mom gig became like a real job to me when I brought Slade home from the hospital. I began to really love it, and find purpose in it. Yes, days are hard. Sure. Of course they are. The easiest day can still be exhausting. But, I’m finding myself here. Remember how I said this transition to 2 kids wasn’t that natural to Brad? To be honest, this stage kinda stresses him out and when he lashes out at something that’s a part of our day to day lives {like toys}, I take it personal. Or when he deletes Zoe’s favorite tv show on the DVR I say, “what the crap were you thinking??” rather than, “hey, um… you’re not allowed to delete things that don’t pertain to you. Deal?” Or when I have a huge accomplishment and try to share it with him and don’t get the reaction I’m expecting – my heart sinks and I pull into myself rather than try again. Or I clean for 2 hours so that Brad comes home to a clean house and it goes unnoticed. It leaves me feeling disconnected and distant, like we’re on two separate pages. And, when I feel disconnected and distant rather than push through, I retreat even further into myself – which stresses Brad out, then he gets snappy, then I get snappy and we’re back in the rabbit hole.

And, so… weekends haven’t really been a whole lot of fun around here. It’s not that this goes on all day, as a personality trait… we both hate tension – but, while Brad can get over a disagreement very quickly, I take a little longer to get back to normal. Not that I’m holding a grudge, it’s more just like fighting with my husband depresses me. Add to that, we’ve never been here before. This is the first bump in our marriage… and so neither one of us really know how to deal with it. For months, Brad ignored it while I just cried about it over and over again.

That Saturday I mentioned earlier? That day was the breaking point for us – the culmination of everything that was going wrong and all the areas that we were ‘off’ happening at the same time. It ended up being a really rough morning and a really great afternoon… and you know what happened that turned it around?

We were so flustered and so frustrated that we just started laughing.

And then we went back over the morning and said every single thing we thought the other person would assume that wasn’t assumed and we laughed. We looked at each other and said, “Damn. We’re are not doing too good in the communication department right now, so let’s go in the other direction. Let’s over communicate.” And that’s what we’re trying to do more of every day, and every time we’re running into the ruts that have become so common. I kid you not, we say ‘Let’s over communicate right now.’ and then we sit down and say everything that we think the other person should ‘know’ because in our brains it’s a fact.

But, this is only one part of the problem. The other half is expectation… and we’ll get into that tomorrow.

Part 3, the solution, is going to be my favorite part…

Happy Wednesday Ya’ll!